Family. Friends. I wonder why someone chose to label the relationships that we live with. Why it is even necessary to name what we feel and share with a few people in the world. I think the whole debate of family over friends and friends over family is pointless. No matter how we are biologically related or non-related, what matters most is the pull and warmth we have towards each other. That warmth or love or anything you may want to term it, doesn’t require the labels of society or the bindings of DNA.
The familiarity and level of comfort that we share with the other person is through time, talk, experience, incidents and simple love. There is definitely giving and receiving, but they don’t have conditions and ego. At least not in the same degree as most of the other relations do. That’s the beauty of the people we love and who love us. And that is so rare.
There are times when family sucks as much as friends/other relationships may do, when people you love, look up-to, hurt you, disregard you and do not accept you for who you are. They play mind games, hurl accusations, hide behind their ego and judgement to confront you and what not. So what difference does family and friendship have? You gotta live with the former no matter what, while you can simply let go of the latter. Not much solace there. Why the imprisonment then?!
I just think it’d be so simple, if we didn’t have the obligations to put up with everyone and everything. How nice would it be to talk and be with the people we mutually want to and love it. To share time with people who make us happy, who value us and who are willing to accept us for who we are and love us enough to help us become better people.
The more I’m growing up and meeting different people, and seeing people around me grow older, one thing is obvious- change is the constant. Be it family or friends- there is no guarantee to how long people will ‘love’ or accept you. Because turns out everyone is out there for themselves, so you are in, as long it’s within the comfort zone of the other, beyond it- you are nothing but a pest. So, where really does the ‘love’ figure? Where really does the ‘warmth’ feature?
I feel chained and bound to such obligatory relationships, where you need to be polite and nice for the sake of it, put up with people who pretend to put up with you. It’s so tiring.
Then I remember the other relationships that I have; with parents, best friends, a few relatives, friends and acquaintances and it makes me happy. The few people who let me be, who I accept, with whom spending time doesn’t feel like a burden or punishment.
Yeah, makes me smile.
So I guess, one of my resolutions for this year is to throw away [at least mentally] the people who pull me down, whose company doesn’t exactly make me happy, whose presence compels me to change myself beyond necessity. Goodbye to the negative. I neither have the time, the wish, the energy or space for such horrors in my life any more.
And I hope you will usher the new year with happy, friendly and loving people around you too.
I find so much of it so over-rated. When I was a kid I was told to always respect my elders. Why? Because they are older and more experienced. As I grew older, I began to have a dissenting view. I began to question why I should respect someone just because he/she is an adult or is older than I. What is so special about being grown up that separates one from the ‘innocents/kiddos’ and automatically makes one the recipient of respect?
Does being an adult imply that the person has all the maturities and thought-processes befitting an adult? What exactly are the ‘qualifications’ of being an adult? And who decides what the qualifications are? And why is it necessary to confine ourselves to what has so far been a norm?
What if I want to be an adult in my own right and my own way? What if I decide that I don’t want to follow the conventional modes of breaking into an adult- work, marriage, children, retirement and loads of planning and savings? And the flip-side of the psychological aspects of adulthood that I have so far observed- diplomacy, patience, mind games, word games, suppression of thoughts or imposition of thoughts, an attitude of superiority, loads of ego and unnecessary self-importance. Umm? What gives?!
I am losing respect to the whole adage surrounding adulthood. From experience I have seen so many adults behave like children mentally. Being stubborn, holding onto grudges and ego, imposing responsibility on the self and surrounding, expecting too much whilst the same is not delivered by the self, too much talk and very little action. The hypocrisy of it all is astounding. What minds must have worked to set up this whole system, eh?
“What’s wrong with our children? Adults telling children to be honest while lying and cheating. Adults telling children to not be violent while marketing and glorifying violence… I believe that adult hypocrisy is the biggest problem children face.”- Marian Wright Edelman
So, how much can you rely on an adult to guide you into being an adult? We are expected to follow our elders and believe what they say is true and right. What if it’s the exact opposite in certain aspects? When does one ever really grow up? We always have something to learn, so do our elders too, right? Of course, we need to respect them for experience that they leave us with, if not anything else. But that’s my point. Being an adult is simply over-rated.
Does being an adult mean that one has to always be responsible and worry about what others say? If no, then why is it expected of us to behave so? And if one dares to defy convention, one is outcast. So what’s the point of being an adult, when one can’t do what one wants completely?
Isn’t being grown up associated with mental maturity, understanding, acceptance, responsibility and some extent of rationality? Then, why the two faced demeanour? Of course no one is perfect, but why pretend to be?
Why not keep it simple, and actually just communicate, exchange views and ideologies, agree to agree/disagree and move on? The facade of it all is so irritating.
To all the adults out there: what makes you an adult? Frankly, I don’t know why I should be labelled as an adult or why anyone should be for that matter! We learn, grow up and experience different things at different times. We are adults at 20, only biologically, adults at 18 only legally. But mentally, I wonder how many of us are really ‘adults’!!
If a person wants to be recognised as an adult and be respected for it, shouldn’t he/she at least behave in some manner like an adult? It is so tiring to see the hypocrisy. To see the stress-ridden shoulders that are burdened with the expected and conventional responsibilities of adulthood. Why not simply be? Why can’t a person who has attained mental and physical maturity and is biologically grown up enough to make sane/rational decisions, live life the way he/she wants? Does the ideology of ‘live and let live’, apply only with regards to matters of world peace and religious conflicts? Why not in the real world of everyday, ordinary life?
Why can’t I just be me? Does being me and defying convention, mean that am not an adult really? That I still have a lot of growing up to do? Then please explain how those ‘adults’ who still have immaturity in them and lack certain other personality traits are so grown up?
How do you realize that something’s become a habit, before it becomes difficult to get out of?
Psychologically, a habit is considered to be a mental pattern. A system that the brain/mind is accustomed to follow subconsciously, through consistent repetitions . So, obviously, it’s not easy to break.
Especially, if you are as lazy as I am. Some habits are so comfortable that one simply doesn’t want to break them. It’s so easy to simply be pulled into another routine, even if’s not a good thing. It’s a habit, something we’re so accustomed to it. Why change now? And doing something else requires hard-work and hard-work requires energy. Which I lack for this particular act. Riiiight.
Waking up late is not necessarily a choice for everyone. For some it’s become a habit to never witness sunrise or see the rest of the family members leave home for work. It’s become a habit to sleep late, even if there is nothing worthwhile to do, the creative mind comes up with innumerable ways to procrastinate and stay awake.
Same goes for change, one is so used to whatever routine is present, whether one likes it or not. But change? A big NO! It’s the case of ‘I’d rather stay under the rock because it’s cosy here than venture into the world and look at the fields and lakes beyond’. Sigh.
And being lazy is the worst.. it’s such a self-destructive habit. A lazy person doesn’t even realize that he’s lazy. Such is the level of comfort. Hard-work is like oil on water to a lazy person. Simply doesn’t gel.
These very habits when out of control, can turn into addictions and obsessions. Almost everyone I know has been an internet addict at some point or the other. As long as it’s just a phase, no biggie. But when it begins to slip out of control, things get ugly. There are mood swings, frustrations, depression and immense fatigue.
Is it really worth it? What habits do we have? How good are they for us and how do they affect the people around us? We get irked sometimes when someone has a bad habit that we don’t approve of. What about our own habits? How many of them are good or productive or at least do nothing negative to anyone?
Are you happy with all the habits that you have? What about the ones that you think can be altered a bit or changed completely? When a habit becomes ingrained and we are totally comfortable, then we automatically fight against change. Most times, it’s an involuntary reaction. Like when you are habituated to defending yourself constantly; everything someone else says keeps you on guard too. That’s not healthy.
So now what? Where to start? How to change? Is change really required, when it’s so comfortable right now? And what if… blah blah blah ? All the scary, idiotic, nonsensical, logical what ifs will always be present. The important thing is to prioritize and to understand what the habits are doing and will end up doing.
Sometimes it’s easy to get rid of a habit, but most times it requires hard work. There’s no hard and fast rule as to how you can develop a new habit or get rid of an old one. But I remember being told often that if you want to cultivate something as a habit, keep doing it for 21 days or at least 15 days straight. And don’t stop after the second or third day. That’s very important. It actually works.
P.S. Frankly, my inspiration was denying me my creative rights, but I decided to set a habit for this blog. Makes me happy.
Letting the emotional cat out of the bag has always been an over-rated and over-hyped task according to me. [The one that’s not intended as a surprise or secret. I just liked the metaphor, don’t go all grammar nazi now.] Anyway, to do or not to do? Seriously?! How long can the cat stay in? Won’t it be struggling to simply be and longing for freedom? Isn’t it difficult for the bag-holder to handle such a live and constant presence contained into something so restrictive and against it’s nature? I think either the cat dies or it struggles really hard and hurts the bag-holder and maybe itself, in a fit of rage. Or the bag-holder gets tired and bogged down by all the ‘baggage’ and becomes irritable and eventually ends up doing something against his nature. Just stating few of the many possibilities. And all because it’s seen fit to suppress the cat in the bag!
How many times have you felt something strongly, but bottled it up, because you wanted to be polite, or were too emotional [hurt/angry etc.], couldn’t be bothered to let it out, weren’t allowed to let it out or were too shocked to react instantly? Or in the saddest, but most common case, simply had no one to let it all out to.
Having amazing friends or family does not necessarily mean that you can feel free to talk your mind or express your emotions all the time. Heck, at times they maybe a reason for your bad mood. At times, an outlet becomes the only thing necessary to feel better about a situation. People who are closest to us or people we hardly know, are equally capable of triggering some sort of a reaction in us, and at times these incidents leave an impact that can’t be easily shaken away. The cat in the bag struggles.
Sometimes, our emotional reactions may not be rational according to convention. But we still own them, we are the ones who live with the thoughts generated and our emotional responses that arise as a consequence. To see why you feel the way you feel, trace it to the thoughts that trigger those feelings. Take a lil moment and think it out.
Would you suppress happiness? Would you be hiding joy or laughter or any other positive feeling? Those are feelings we covet, that we want more of, right? Then, why would anyone want to suppress a negative emotion/feeling and let it build? You need to empty out the negative inside you, to make way for more positive stuff to get in. At times, it becomes necessary to let the cat out of the bag to fill it with goodies et.al.
Ishan was another of those teenagers who had a mother trying to get to terms with his changing choices and priorities and the pressure of board exams. He had a lot to chew on, what with his gf, keeping in touch with the latest fads in fashion, music, technology, news etc. And then there was family, who still kept treating him like a kid. A normal life. But, his mother wouldn’t listen to him. She would hear him alright. But she didn’t really listen to his opinions and views on different things. She would just nod and continue or at times simply ignore and blame it on her busy, distracted life. Ishan obviously didn’t like it. He was expected to listen all the time, so why couldn’t she listen to him too at times? Fine, he decided not to listen much anymore either. He began to feel that his opinions didn’t matter. That anything he said was never given value. Probably he wasn’t valued much? Stretching it too far? This is a true story, my dear. Ishan continued to pretend on the outside that it didn’t bother him much. However, his hurt was turning into rage on the inside. He began to defy his mother. Eventually, he began to display his anger assertively. He began to speak loudly, because he wanted her to listen. It didn’t really make it alright. But, it gave him a reverse outlet, something that wasn’t really helping him. All that suppression turned out to be disastrous. The alternative? Communication and expression of discontent and hurt.
There are so many times where direct communication is not immediately possible. At such times, finding an alternative and healthy outlet is very important. Talking it out to another person, not only makes it seem as a ‘not-so-big-a-deal’, but it also can also give a different perspective. Who knows you may find a solution or even get rid of the thing that was bothering you. Just try not to bottle it up. Finding a distraction, will only provide temporary relief and will do nothing much really.
Trust people enough to communicate and make an effort for your own self. Talk it out and don’t overthink things. At times, bottling stuff, gives the mind a chance to make a mountain of a molehill, linking some past event to whatever happened in the present. It’s all simply unnecessary drama. If you really care enough, you will make an effort; for yourself or the person involved or maybe both. Communication can be open minded and polite. You can ask the person to listen to you and then take turn to listen to them. If that’s too difficult, write to each other.
Nothing is a big deal, yes. But, nothing’s a waste or unimportant either. If it bothers you, it is important! So, tackle it. When we can spend time on so many different things and multi-task like wicked, why not spend a lil time on emotional well-being too. Nothing great really, it’ll just make you feel better or even good. Give it a thought. Handle your bag with care.